I can't believe what has happened. I was appointed an officer in the guild. Can you believe it? Me an officer??? I just hope and pray to the gods that I can make the guild proud. That's the reason I stay awake here lately, plus trying my best to work things out with him.

I do love him, I do. I care for him. It just feels like we are going two seperate ways here lately. He's become an officer also. Have we come so busy with our guilds that we don't have time for each other any more? I know I am just making excuses now. Things were like this before we were made officers. We use to have so much fun together. Laughing and cutting up. But now, it feels like those days are over. I guess I will just have to wait and see what happens. I feel like that is all I can do now. This state of limbo that I am in, it has come to feel as natural as the confussion has. Only thing I am sure of is my home with the Hammers. For I know that is where I truely belong.

You never know how much you will miss someone until they are gone. He just left. It's hard to understand. I was able to talk to him about everything, but i guess he didn't feel he could trust me enough to talk to me. I just wish I could have helped him. And now Cel, I have made a promise to help her and help her I will. I do not take promises lightly and he knew this. Right now, that promise is the only thing keeping me in these lands.

I turned to Spark for help when I found out my friend was leaving. Maybe I was just so hurt and Spark was really busy at the time, but for him not to be there for me, that hurt also. Seems all I know how to do is drive people away from me. The ones I love the most seem to grow more distant from me everyday. Why did he make me promise what I did? How dare he do that to me? But he did know, if he asked anything of me, I would be there for him, to support him.

With so much going on these past few days, all I have wanted to do is train and farm. Seems the only thing that stays constant, stays the same, is my training and farming. At least I can always count on those two to always be there for me.

Confusion, a word and feeling that I have come to know. Such confusion I really could do without, but seems I know no other way right now. Seems that is what I have come to expect from now on when I wake, train, farm, or just sitting here writing in this blasted book. Why I write in here is something else that confuses me. I was told that it would help with this confussion, but I have found that it is just adding to it. Maybe deep down I enjoy this state of confussion more than anything. Who really knows, for I don't.

Even when I am with him, things still run through my head. Things that I wish and pray to the gods that they will stop. I am terrified that if they don't, the only escape I will be able to find is sleep. But, ah, even then, sometimes the nightmares come back. For a while, they stopped, but for some reason, they are returning, slowly but surely. Is it a sign of things to come? Could the gods be trying to tell me something? I pray not.

Suppose to be out farming, but I find myself always thinking of him. And then out of the blue he shows up and throws all plans of farming out the window. Oh well, one day I will accomplish my goals.

And training, don't even get me started on that. Seems like I am stuck at level 36 for good. With one trainee after another here lately, I have no time for training. Speaking of which, I must be off to do more farming now........

I find myself unable to say or write what I am truely feeling....what is really going on in my head. If I did that, a lot of people would be upset with me, so I find it best to keep it all locked up inside. Even to write it down in here would be utter chaos. For I am too scared to do that. To scared that if I did, it would make it all true. What am I to do when I start feeling like this? I have no real escape from anything it seems like. But then, do I really expect that? I have been in total confussion for so long, it has come to feel so natural to me.

I have leveled yet again, but now I find myself farming for another trainee, which is all good. To see the young adventurers with so much hope and passion in their eyes, makes me long for the past when I was like that, when everything was so simple.

I find myself going day after day like nothing is wrong. I guess nothing really is wrong, but these questions I have in my head. But like I said, I can't voice them. Maybe one day, I will be strong enough and confident enough to voice them, but not yet.

Ok, so here I am, sitting in my secret place that hopefully no one can find me, getting ready to call it a night. He has been confusing me so much with the way he's been talking. I don't know, maybe it's just me reading too much into things again. Who know's? I surely don't anymore.

He reassures me that he loves me, but the way he acts sometimes, that is what is confusing me at the moment.
I just hope he knows how much I truely love him.